Halloween (Sarcastic) Advice

by The (Sarcastic) Penguin

Now I am working on the original advice column questions (because a “great guy” asked me 104 ridiculous questions, and although I have no regard for the asker, I feel as though it is my duty to answer every single question is the most sarcastic manner possible. Oh joy.). To take care of all your issues without having to actually listen to them, I decided to be very general. So with little care, I give you Halloween (Sarcastic) Advice.

Pesky Trick-Or-Treaters at your door?

Simply turn your lights off like a true American!
Dress up like taxes. That’ll show them.
The best option is just to put out an empty bowl that says “Please take ONE” then they’ll leave thinking you're all out. Enjoy your bag of candy you monster.

Need to put up decorations?

Tee-pee your own house! It counts!
Go visit your local graveyard! You know what to do.
Go visit your cluster filled attic and get stuck for weeks on end and die of starvation because there is no way out.
Stop being so lazy and just go to CVS and get some 5 dollar decorations, and put them up in 5 minutes. Seriously, it’s not that hard.

Need a costume idea?

Cut a hole in your sheets and put it over your head. BOOM!Mattress costume.
Just simply where the skin of another human. (Warning: DO NOT DO THAT it has a terrible after odor...)
Just be yourself! Let's be honest...that's scary enough. (I guess this means I’m a real “advice” column now.)

Scared of Halloween?

Wow, that’s kinda sad. Enjoy your pity party from your family.

Need to get candy?

Buy it like a normal person. Haha your not normal. Look below for more solutions.
Rob your neighbor's candy! I’m sure the cops will understand.
Go to your nearest shady van. The guy there is nice enough.
If all else fails, when trick or treaters come to your door rob them of their candy. I call it The Switcher-Boo. “Ha Ha” I’m funny because I used a Halloween pun.

Running out of ideas for Halloween advice?

Add unnecessary bullet points.
Go
On
For
A
While.
Procrastinate the ending.
Don’t care what other people say.

Now we come to the oh-so-sad end (not really) of the only thing that gave meaning to your otherwise pointless life devoid of adventure. Have fun. I will totally miss you (not really).