#96 Sarcastic Questions

by The Sarcastic Penguin

Due to the utter kindness of society and all of its “beautiful” (not really) inhabitants I was given these oh-so-clever (not really) 98 sarcastic questions to a sarcastic advice column. It is quite obvious that this was from the internet so I condemn the lack of creativity and thought. Thanks a lot dirtbag.

# 1. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

A box with glass packing bits.

# 2. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

The problem.

# 3. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’d surmise that they don’t.

# 4. Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

It's more "somewhat-wrinkle-resistant-while-the-garment-is-relatively-new".

# 5. How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

When it becomes sweet.

# 6. How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

I don’t know, ask Tim Tebow.

# 7. How young can you die of old age?

42.

# 8. Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?

What defines illegal-sized paper?

# 9. How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?

Fat chance is irony, slim chance is literal.

# 10. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

The tax collectors.

# 11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Do you want to be a hobo?

# 12. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

The h8ers man.

# 13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Can you explain what antipasta is?

# 14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Failed at succeeding, which is seeking success in failure.

# 15. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Are you using the clean slate, or the old record?

# 16. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

No, because no one would care anyways.

# 17. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

Not Unless you were born again in an artificial womb.

# 18. What if there were no hypothetical situations?

I would make more hypothetical situations like you just did.

# 19. Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

That much closer to a day with meaningful questions.

# 20. Will your answer to this question be no?

[Answer Rescinded]

# 21. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

They missed the memo.

# 22. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?

8005 Brier Creek Pkwy #100, Raleigh, NC 27617

# 23. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Depends who the man is.

# 24. Is there another word for synonym?

Alternate, substitute, alternative, equivalent.

#25. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Practice, n.- the actual application or use of an idea, belief, or method as opposed to theories about such application or use.

Therefore this question is irrelevant.

# 26. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Is the crop circle in a triangle?

# 27. If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Flesh Tone.

# 28. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

He shaves with stone razors.

# 29. If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

Vampires have thralls.

# 30. Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

The world is a cruel place.

# 31. If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

Ask Shamu! Wait you can't. SHE’S DEAD.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8b/Big_Shamu_San_Diego_by_Patty_Mooney.jpg

# 32. If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

Only if that kitten is nothing but trash to you, but why would you throw a kitten out of a moving car YOU MONSTER!!!

# 33. How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?

Someone realized the error of their ways when they stepped on that grass and put a sign there to keep others from making the same mistake. They turned their life around.

# 34. Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?

To keep their calories in check.

# 35. Do we make bombs better or worse?

Are you the bomber or the victim?

# 36. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

The better question is why don’t they shrink while drying.

# 37. If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

I would pathologically believe them.

# 38. Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?

No. Again, cruel ironies.

# 39. If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

No, you just get debt.

# 40. If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Gridlocked.

# 41. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why don’t you ever see a headline about the perfect crime?

# 42. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

To teach you abbreviation skills.

# 43. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why are you still using windows 98?

# 44. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Citric acid is in lemons which is good for cleaning, but bad for taste.

# 45. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Let’s just say, it’s not the best idea to trust him.

# 46. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Rush hour is referred to as busy, and traffic is a very busy thing.

# 47. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

How do you know the taste labels aren’t lying to you? Do you eat cat food?

# 48. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

He doesn't like to talk about it.

# 49. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

(Enter religious joke here.)

This concludes the most tedious part of my life for the past few weeks in which I put an average of 1% effort into. As the final words to this dreaded column, I would like to say a message to the sarcastic fellow who sent me this. The manhunt begins (or woman hunt, I’m not sexist.) Your move.

# 50. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Ironyyyyyyyy.

# 51. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

It lets you be apart from your parents basement.

# 52. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

They can, they just don’t want to.

# 53. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

The curse of the world.

# 54. If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

Jimmy's mom wrote it to get him out of his depression.

# 55. Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

It was actually always on going off is referencing some sort of discharge.

# 56. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Love is just a chemical reaction in your body therefore it doesn't matter.

# 57. Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?

Weather.

# 58. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

He’s not qualified.

# 59. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The Titanic.

# 60. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it doesn't work anymore?

Not being able to have children sounds fixed to me.

# 61. If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?

Because the building was originally made for something worthwhile.

# 62. If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

Cows have no sense of humor. John Oliver couldn’t get a thing out of them.

# 63. Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?

Forbidden love is always better. It’s electric!

# 64. Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

Its called a mental disorder.

# 65. If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

Who is in control?

# 66. Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?

LIESSSSS.

# 67. If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?

Let me ask you another question: “Would anyone care?”

# 68. What is the speed of darkness?

-299,792,458 m/s.

# 69. If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?

*cough* *cough* Gender roles!

# 70. Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Welcome to the English language.

# 71. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

The same depth. Sponges don't store water in less volume; the water will have the same volume if it's in or outside a sponge.

# 72. Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?

(See every movie with a three headed dragon ever.)

# 73. Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?

GLOBAL COOLING.

# 74. What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

Another sign with a sign on that and a sign on that... It's a constant loop.

# 75. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

They’re synchronized SWIMMERS. SWIMMERS, NOT DROWNERS.

# 76. Why is minimalism such a big word?

Do you define 10 letters as a big word?

# 77. If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back?

It achieves anti-gravity super powers.

# 78. If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

What’s your goal?

# 79. Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?

THERE ARE MALE BALLERINAS TOO.

# 80. Do fish get thirsty?

http://yourontarioresearch.ca/curiosityshop-answers/do-fish-ever-get-thirsty/

DO YOUR RESEARCH.

# 81. If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?

(See Mr.Rooks class October 26/27).

# 82. Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?

Do you want to see them go to the bathroom?

# 83. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

Does it make the expected unexpected? If it does all you’ve succeeded at doing is changing your expectations.

# 84. If someone swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why did he swear in sign language?

# 85. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Again?

# 86. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Budget cuts.

# 87. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

They always do.

# 88. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

No, it would be bullied by all it’s friends.

# 89. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Probably, because it’s impossible to make them dirtier.

# 90. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Do you have something against mimes?

# 91. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

For blind ATM Robbers.

# 92. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

They don’t, the deer do.

# 93. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Copywriters.

# 94. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Some stupid sucker.

# 95. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

It all comes down to this: Which was found first?

# 96. Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

Do you know how expensive those pens are?