Black Friday Eve (Sarcastic) Advice

by The Sarcastic Penguin

(Disclaimer: Do not take any of my advice seriously. It’s called sarcastic advice for a reason.)

Once again I have decided to completely disregard your comments and actual needs. Eventually, I will just not now. So due to that I need to do something for Black Friday Eve… Wait, it’s Thanksgiving? What's the difference? So without further ado, here's possibly the least amount of work I’ve put into anything. Enjoy

Need something to be thankful for?

I don’t know..maybe having a home to live in? Food on a table? Maybe just being alive in general? What? No? Seriously? You’re alive! You’re not thankful for that? Wow.
Your family. I’m serious. It is the most classic thing to be thankful for. Just say that and your family will give you a big group of “awww”’s and then they’ll move on.
Education. People really buy into that stuff. They love the thought of a child that loves to learn. If you do love to learn then great. You’re 1 in let's say… 7,000,000,000. Thumbs up to you kid.
America. I don’t know. Say something about freedom and giving thousands of Native Americans smallpox. They’ll love it.
Throw some random stuff together. Just say a bunch of crap that sounds emotional but really makes no sense. In the end, it’s the tone, not the words.
Turkey. This is an absolute last resort. The turkey is for the people that have nothing left to say. It’s the best back up. “I’m thankful for this beautiful wild bird that we slaughtered so that we can be thankful.”

Annoying family relatives that only show up this one time because they feel like that makes them ‘included’?

Run. You can still save yourself. The aunt is there ready to pinch cheeks and rub your head. You don’t want to stay there.
They blocked the doorway! There is no escape. You must hide. Try a closet that no one opens, or that one room that people just kind of throw stuff in.
Bare through it. This is possibly the worst option. You would have to deal with Uncle Lenny’s jokes and Aunt Petunia's hugs. And you would need to do this all with a smile, or your cover would be blown.
Fight your way out. If you're trapped but don’t want to hide or bare through the pain, then there is only one way out: through them. Grab the nearest baseball bat and get swinging. Aim for the knees.

Worried that you’ll get trampled at black Friday sales?

Wear a suit of steel armor. Be the trampler, not the trampled.
What? Cops chasing after you because you trampled hundreds of innocent moms trying to buy their son the newest Xbox? Turn yourself in.
Now you’re in jail? Are you blaming me for this? Ah, just be good. Maybe you’ll be eligible for parole.
What? Is it a life sentence without parole? Breakout!
Cops firing at you for breaking out? Go to a cliff side that is over a huge body of water. Make sure it is dark and stormy. That makes it more dramatic.
Did they corner you on the cliff? Jump off like they do in the movies!
Are you dead? Who would have guessed that? Anyways the real advice here is: don’t go. It’s really that simple.

You completely disregard my last piece of advice and go anyway but can’t find the thing you want because someone else took it?

Trip them. When they are down, take the thing you want and run. It’ll be a war zone out there so you’ll need to act fast.
You could simply ask them for it. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to give it to you. Haha, I’m hilarious.
Enrage another shopper. Say that the person you're trying to steal from has what they want. They will attack without remorse or hesitation. You get someone to do the dirty work for you.
Literally any other form of physical violence. Minus explosions. You want the product intact.
Online shopping. I’m not kidding. It's a lot less dangerous and you still get the stuff you want.

Can’t find a place to put your Christmas tree?

IT IS NOVEMBER. NOT DECEMBER. MY GOD, PEOPLE THERE IS AN ORDER TO THESE HOLIDAYS.