Holiday (Sarcastic) Advice

by the (Sarcastic) Penguin

Disclaimer: Strangely enough, this is sarcastic! (Wow imagine that.) Do not take any of my advice any other way but as a joke. If you take any of this seriously then make sure you read the disclaimer next time. “Enjoy.”

Remember how I said I wasn’t going to take your problems into consideration? Yeah so do I. Due to things and stuff which I’m too tired to write yet again, I am disregarding your needs for something that is much better. Vague situations that most people in this school can not relate to. So without too much procrastinating I give you holiday advice.

Have no money to buy gifts?

Get them a homemade gift! As long as you don’t mind them having to give the fakest grin while saying “Thaankkkk youuu...” In that one voice that everyone is able to master when they get a homemade gift.
Buy them something that looks expensive but isn’t. Like fuggs (fake uggs. I know i had the same reaction) or fake diamonds. You sly dog.
Re-gift a gift you hated! Sure it starts a vicious cycle of re-gifting, but hey, it's off your hands and that's one less person down.
Go in debt.
Don’t get them anything! Hey, we were all thinking it, but if you do do this option then you have to deal with hurt feelings from your family and then them having to say “It’s okay” while choking back tears. Great job jerk.

You hate holiday songs?

Ear plugs. They work surprisingly well.
Don’t want to have to do that? Then just retaliate. Get a baseball bat. Once again aim for the knees. (This is the true intentions for baseball bats. What did you think they were for? Baseball?)
Disguise yourself as one of the people who like the song… Infiltrate them from the inside. When they least expect it start taking them out covert style. Start drama and have it self-destruct. Carol never trusted Suzie…
Surgically remove your ears and/or eardrums. I mean, if you didn’t do any of the above you’re out of options here.

Someone got you a present you but you hate it?

Tell them how you feel. I’m sure that’ll work out greeeeat.
Automatically light it on fire. This option is not recommended if someone gifted you gasoline and/or any other explosive material.
Walk out of the room and cry in your room about how you didn’t get what you wanted when there are many people in the world would love that ugly sweater from Aunt Petunia.
Avoid looking like an ungrateful jerk and just smile and nod your head. Give a half hearted thank you with a little “I love it.” as the cherry on top.

Your Starbucks cup doesn’t say “Merry Christmas”?

I am currently sending in my resignation. If anyone needs me I’ll be in Canada where a cup is, believe it or not, a cup.