The NEAAAT Times

(Oddly enough this is SARCASTIC so please do yourself a favor and don’t get completely butthurt over a joke. Good day. Except I don’t care.)

 

     Fine. I give up. I have officially run out of worthwhile holidays to do sarcastic advice for. Yes, Martin Luther King day is a worthwhile holiday, but what do you want me to say for that? Anyways I’m actually doing it. My first Sarcastic Advice. This will end well…

 

I can't teach my pet cactus how to play dead.

     Wow starting off strong. Have you considered… and just hear me out on this… that maybe… just maybe… it can’t? Because it's a cactus? Either way, a fantastic try.

 

Help! My boyfriend wants to be like Isaac in TFIOS and tell me always. I want to break up with him.. Awkwardly like the actual book's situation.

     Maybe you should pick a better book to reference from. Oh no. Did- did you hear that? IT’S THE SALT COMING FROM THE FANDOM.

 

Getting through life.

     Once I figure that out, I’ll let you know.

 

my gf broke up with me

     With how whiny you are, I’m not surprised.

 

Donald Trump is amazing... NOT! Basically, he wants me to leave because I am a female feminist with Native American roots. What should I do if he wins??

Oh, don’t worry, If he wins plenty of people will be taking care of it. *wink wink*

 

How to get away with murder?

Read my book. On sale now! Get a discount price if you enter the code “DEATH”.

 

I taught my dog how to pee in the toilet by making it watch me. Now she pees on me while I sleep instead... HELP!

     Well. Um. This is kind of awkward. So if your dog watches you pee in the toilet and is now peeing on you… Does that make you the toilet? Either way, I mean… Jeez… Kinda sounds like you need more than my help…

 

I hate my cat. She sleeps in my bed under my blankets... she's a long haired calico. Fur. EVERYWHERE.

     If it’s a cat then you can’t do anything. It's a cat. She will cut you. Sorry, it’s your cat’s bed now. Better get used to sleeping on the couch.

 

School hates me.

     Oh well um… This is the SCHOOL newspaper. I had to sign a legal document so um… School is great… Work hard kids. Um, I hope that’s good enough…

 

My classmates keep shanking me… What do I do?

     Sam and Grace… Really… Come on…

 

How do I get rid of the crippling anxiety that comes with the weight of existence?

      I’m glad you asked me a qualified therapist that will help you. Ahem. You don’t. Deal with it. *drops mic*

 

This guy was talking to me about breaking glass and tearing paper. I got so butt hurt and my jimmies were so rustled because this is so offensive to people that were born with glass bones and paper skins because every morning they break their arms, every afternoon they break their legs... and at night... they lay in agony as their heart attacks put them to sleep. OOOOHHH THE HUE-MANATEE WHAT SHOULD I DO??? should i fite dem? ill rek them m8.

     I had to read this over multiple times and I still have yet to understand the meaning of this irrelevant nonsense. What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having read this. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.