The NEAAAT Times

( Disclaimer: This is a set of jokes. Not a set of my serious opinion about you and your life. So take it like a joke. A.K.A Laugh, don’t send me an email about how offended you are.)

 

Oh great. A day that is used to celebrate love. It is also a day to make people that are not dating anyone, to feel bad about themselves and cry in a hole of their own self-pity. Of course, Hallmark loves it and so does any store ever. Love is in the air people, luckily for me, I have a vaccine. (Note: These questions are word for word what the people sent.)

 

Bae wont text back.

     Is it because of your face? Or because you sent 5 long messages professing your love and they just avoided you and will continue to? Need more info.

 

I'm single, I am very lonely.

     So are you lonely because you're single? Or are you single because you’re lonely? Or none of the above? Need more info.

 

need a boyfriend asap, need to not be left on read, need love

     This is sarcastic advice, not Craigs List, you moron. 

 

What should I get bae for Valentines day?

     A new bae. Obviously, their old one is stupid.

 

So I still don't know how to breathe and it's making the situation ten times harder. Please help. My Valentine doesn't know what to do D:

     Honestly, if you can’t breathe then it’s better for the rest of us.

 

I keep getting dark chocolate for valentines and a hate dark chocolate!

     So you are complaining about having food while there are people in Africa that don’t have food at all? Check your privilege!

 

How do i make Chocolate faces?

     Step 1: Get a bowl of melted chocolate.

     Step 2: Lure victim to bowl.

     Step 3: Drown them in the chocolate.

     Step 4: Use their face as a mold.

     Step 5: Cool till their blood is no longer warm.

     Step 6: Serve

 

Why do people care about Valentines day?

     Beats me man.

 

So. It's "forever alone" day, isn't it? If EVERYONE'S talking about how everyone but them has a boy/girlfriend, then that means no one has one, right? Or do we all have a voice in our head that's constantly telling you that love is blind?

     It’s not that no one has a partner, it’s that the ones that don’t are the only ones you hear due to their salt.

 

My girlfriend lives over 500 miles away, and I don't know the next time that I will see them.

     Does she really live 500 miles away? Really? Alright if you say so. Your TOTALLY real girlfriend seems like a VERY lucky person.

Now if she is really real… Send her this. (First time I’ve ever given legit advice.)

 

My friends are trying to set me up. He probably isn't interested and he is cute but they think I like him even though I've talked to him like once ??

     So I’m confused: do you want to be set up with him or do you not? You are very vague. Sounds like to me that you should make up your mind before you send me this crap. Need more info.

 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BUY A BOY FOR VALENTINES DAY

     You should buy him a new necklace for his jewelry collection. Or a bouquet of roses! Or even a box of chocolates in the shape of a heart! Or the best, a life-sized teddy bear.

 

Chase the goose got a girlfriend before me!

     HAHA HAHA HAHA. Me too…*snif*

 

Actually, this isnt a question. But i guess you know that? Okay well its a saturday night and im checking my student email... Valentines day sucks. cause most of the time people get you hyped up over like, a dollar tree teddy bear. idk. dont put this in the newspaper. what am i doing.

     What you’re doing is submitting what you don’t want to be in the newspaper, to a person who is quite obviously going to put it in the newspaper. To respond to this not-a-question, yes.

 

Ur a butt.

     Need more info.  

 

so liek i dont know why my bf wont mention valentiens day... liek is he trying to brek up wit me or liek...i don t know ... help

     Spell check is currently having a seizure at the moronic statement that you decided would be a good idea to send me. My brain cells are rapidly depleting the longer I look at it. I feel that your writing is a terrible creation that is better off under the ocean than here. In no way was any of that response anything worth saying or typing. I was tempted to fly to Hawaii throw my chromebook in Mauna Loa just to get rid of this horrid disaster of a comment. I hope that one day you will be cured from the parasite that is your intelligence or rather, lack thereof, and may god have mercy on your soul.